The Tentaspy: A Nonsensical Tale
by Devil Woman
Summary: When the RED Pyro develops a cold and is sick in bed, the Engineer tells the little firebug the heroic tale of the RED Sniper defeating the elusive Tentaspy as only one can: A parody of the Jabberwocky poem from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland!
1. How to Care For Your Sick Pyro

The Tentaspy: A Nonsensical Tale

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Team Fortress 2; Valve does. I also do not own the copyrights to "Jabberwocky" from _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ written by Lewis Carroll.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've been toying with the idea of doing a parody of _Alice in Wonderland_ with the cast of Team Fortress 2 for some time now. While I'm still planning on how to execute it, this popped into my head, just begging to be written. Plus, this is a great poem to write about the Tentaspy and will give you guys a small taste as to what I have planned for this project. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions about who will be who or whatnot, let me know!

…..

The weather outside was miserable. It was cold, windy and raining like cats and dogs! Normally, the desert landscape was hot and dry, but when the rain came, it came hard and fast. And once the rain came, it refused to leave. The occupants of Teufort had fought in the rain before, but the current weather advisory deemed it too dangerous and a last minute cease fire was called.

The RED team was having a bad case of cabin fever. With no fighting on account of the storm outside, the eight guns for hire where bored, frustrated and not in a good mood. The Pyro, the last (and certainly most mysterious) of the mercenaries had come down with a cold, leaving its eight team mates to decide who would give up their free time to take care of the little fire bug.

"Alright, who's turn is it this time?" the Demoman asked as he took a sip out of his bottle of Scrumpy.

"Well, don't look at me, One-Eye! I plan on using this time off from the battlefield to perfect my rocket launcher." The Soldier said. "What about you, crouton?"

The Spy, a man of class and pride, removed his cigarette from his mouth and exhaled.

"I prefer not to get involved with ze little fire starter. I am not a _nourrice_, a nanny." The Frenchman looked at the Sniper, who just scowled at the Spy.

"No way Spook! I got the privilege of carin' for'em last time and well...I'd rather not talk about it." The Spy snorted. "Oh Bushman, please! Just because zat…thing got upset zat you couldn't even make chicken noodle soup right, doesn't mean you should avoid you're responsibilities." "Whatever Spook…" the Sniper grumbled and went back to his gun cleaning kit he was working on.

"Ain't no way I'm goin' near that freak!" the Scout immediately stated. "What about you, Heavy?"

"That thing…it scares me." the Russian whispered.

"Everyone, settle down now! I'm sure ve can find a perfectly reasonable solution to our problem." the Medic said. The rest of the men stood and thought, all not coming up with any suggestions.

"Well, that does it! We have no choice privates. We have to call…"

"ENGINEER!" the seven men shouted at the top of their lungs. The Engineer, who was down in his workshop tinkering away at a busted sentry, heard his team mates' voices through the intercom. "Aw, hell." He said, tossing his wrench onto the workbench and made his way upstairs. When he arrived at the rec room, the Engineer just stared at his team mates.

"You rang?"

"No time for sarcasm, toymaker! You have been drafted to take care of Pyro." the Soldier said.

The Engineer just shook his head. "Alright, fine. I'll go check up on Pyro. I swear, the whole lotta ya are gonna get what's comin' ta ya someday." "Good luck private and God Speed!" said the Soldier who saluted him as the Engineer just rolled his eyes and walked out of the rec room.

He knocked on Pyro's door to his room. A muffled noise, followed by a stifled cough came from the closed quarters. The Engineer let himself in and found Pyro in bed with the covers pulled up to its chin.

"Hey buddy, not feelin' well?" The Pyro mumbled yes and coughed again.

"Got a cold huh? Well, ol' Engie's here ta take care of ya. So, what can I do for ya?"

The Pyro pointed to the bookcase near its desk.

"You want me ta read ya a story? OK, which one?"

"Mmph in Mmmph."

The Engineer grabbed a red hardcover book and looked at the title. "_Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_." He smiled. "I haven't read this in years! Good choice, Pyro." The Engineer noticed a slip of colored paper stuck in between the pages. He opened the page to where the marker was and read the title of the poem.

"'Jabberwocky'. You want me to read this poem to you?"

"Mm-Mph!"

"No? Well, then what do you want me to do then?"

"Ummph mm Ph!"

"Oh, I see…" the Engineer was puzzled by his friend's strange request. He didn't know of any other poems similar to the one in the book. "Ah-HA!" An idea just popped into the Texan's head.

"How about I tell you about the Tentaspy?" He hoped this would spark the fire starter's curiosity. It did and Pyro nodded with excitement.

"OK then, let's began." The Engineer said, removing his hardhat and goggles. He pulled up a chair and laid the book in his lap and began to tell his story.


	2. A Hero is Choosen (Somewhat)

'_Twas brilling and the slithy toves_

_Did grye and gimble in the webe;_

_All mimsy were the borogoves,_

_And the mome raths outgrabe_

It was a sunny day in the compound of Teufort. The Scout and Demoman where having a grand time using the local fauna as target practice for their new weapons. The two men took turns aiming and shooting at various lizards and birds. Luckily for the creatures, they managed to slip out of the men's line of fire and scoot into nearby bushes. Suddenly, the Soldier let out a sharp, loud whistle.

"Attention MAGGOTS!" his voice boomed over the P.A. system. "It's O-1600, time for the daily Team Meeting! Move your rear ends to the war room, ON. THE. DOUBLE!"

Soon everyone was in the war room (which was actually the mess hall). The Soldier had a pointer stick and tapped a crude drawing of what appeared to be some sort of creature pinned on a corkboard.

"This is our enemy, gentlemen: The Tentaspy! He's just like our spy, but has the advantage of a certain aquatic creature: an octopus!"

"My dear Solider, this creature you are so keen on telling us about, iz nothing more than a children's fairy tale." The RED Spy said as he drew out a cigarette and lit it up.

"Sorry to disappoint ya Spook, but that thing's real." The Sniper said, not looking up from his kukri that he was sharping.

"You actually believe ze Soldier's claim of madness?! You've been sniffing your Jarate too much, my amigo." The Sniper shot a dirty look at the Spy, who was more than eager to do the same.

"Enough bantering, ladies!" the Soldier snapped. The Spy and Sniper quieted down.

"Now, we need to send someone to go into the sewers and kill that abomination. Sniper!" the Soldier whipped his stick at the Aussie; its rubber tip nearly whacking off his nose.

"My turn, eh? Fine, I'll go kill the beastie." He started to stand, but the Soldier placed his hands on the Sniper's shoulders, forcing him to sit back down in his chair.

"_Beware the Tentaspy, my son!_

_The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!_

_Beware the Spycrab and shun_

_The frumious Bandersnatch!_"

The Sniper and the rest of the team just stared at the Soldier. His speech made no sense whatsoever. But, then again, the Soldier was not always right of mind and you just had to take everything he said with a grain of salt. The Sniper nodded to let the Soldier know he understood him (somewhat). He slid his kukri into its scabbard.

"See ya in a few." He told his comrades and left the room.

"There goes one magnificent bastard…he'll do this team proud! Now that out meeting has ended prematurely, you are all dismissed!" the Soldier said taking leave.

The rest of men just stood still, not knowing how to handle the situation that had just occurred. The Medic finally broke the awkward silence between them all.

"Vould anyone like some tea and tarts? I just got them from this nice little German pastry place vhen I vent back home; I think you all vould enjoy them."

Everyone wholeheartedly agreed.


	3. To Ponder in Thought Over a Tentaspy

_He took his vopal kukri in hand;_

_Long time the manxome foe he sought—_

_So rested he by the sewage stream,_

_And stood awhile in thought._

The Sniper had been in the sewers for a long time. Aside from the smell, it really wasn't all that bad: he was a loner by nature and by taking this wild goose chase of a task, he was away from his team mates. What the Sniper had said to the Spy earlier about how the Tentaspy existing was true. The Medic was going through the intelligence briefcase and found a packet of paperwork inside. The documents that he pulled out where about the creatures and even included photographs.

From what the doctor compiled, the Tentaspy was an experiment that the BLU Medic had conducted for some unknown reason. The BLU Medic was as mad as a hatter and was soon discharged and placed in a nuthouse, thus forcing BLU to recruit a more stable (but still crazy) Medic for their side. The Sniper saw the photos of the experiment and at first didn't believe it.

But that all changed very quickly. One day, he was down in the sewers, hiding from the opposing team. His perch was infiltrated and he had made a hasty escape, taking shelter in the sewer pipes. The Sniper suddenly felt he wasn't alone and felt a hand on his shoulder. The hand was wet, its claw-like nails digging themselves into his flesh.

"Peak-a-boo." A voice hissed into his ear.

The Sniper turned and gasped. It was a BLU Spy…except it wasn't entirely human. The man had yellow, cat-like eyes and a mouth full of razor sharp teeth. The hand that was on the Sniper's shoulder was indeed a claw! The man, no, creature wore a blue balaclava and had on a typical BLU Spy pinstripe suit jacket and button-up shirt, but instead of legs where eight, gigantic octopi tentacles. The blue appendages wriggled about, slapping the ground and water. The Sniper was about to let out a terrified scream when the Tentaspy put a hand to his mouth.

"Keep quiet!" he demanded. The Sniper nodded in compliance.

"Good. Now," the Tentaspy said, removing his hand from the Sniper's face. "I've been down here for quite some time now and I've become… jaded with exploring the sewers here. I could kill you now, but I do enjoy your company; I haven't had anyone to talk to in so long."

"OK." was all the Sniper could manage to say. He was still in shock over the fact that the Tentaspy was real.

"Oh Good!" the creature said, clasping his claws together in glee. "I just had a wonderful idea! Let's propose a game, shall we?"

"Sure, whatever you want."

"Alright, here are the rules: I will let you live if you convince your team that every week one of them must come to this very spot and fight me."

"Sounds simple enough." The Sniper said.

"Oh, it is, but here is where it gets…complicated." The Tentaspy's tone suddenly became very grim. "If one of your team mates losses to me, they will be killed and I shall eat them."

The Sniper's eyes widened with horror. The Tentaspy noticed the perturbed look on his guest's face. "Oh, don't look so shocked, I shall give them a fighting chance! Anyway, that is all I have for you today. Now off you go, shoo-shoo!" he said, waving his arms at the Australian.

The Sniper didn't know what to make of the creature. It was defiantly manic, first being friendly and open and then turning into a cold, ruthless killer the next. He wasn't too surprised, given the fact that the BLU Medic must have scrambled the former Spy's brains while he was being experimented on. The Sniper turned around and was leaving when a tentacle wrapped around his waist and pulled him back toward the Tentaspy. It whipped the Aussie around, glaring at him. The tentacle that was wrapped around the Sniper's waist tightened its grasp, causing the man to wince in pain and gasp for air.

"You are to go last." The Tentaspy said, eyes still bearing at the Sniper. "And if I find that you are here to replace the next class that I request, I will make sure that your death very, very slow and agonizing. Got it, **mate**?"

"Crystal clear." The Sniper said, still in pain from the continually tighten tentacle around his body. The Tentaspy noticed what he was doing and loosened his grip on the man. The Sniper struggled to stand, but managed to do so upon catching his breath.

"Forgive me, I don't know my own strength." the creature said and bid the Sniper farewell. "I look forward to our next encounter!" he said gleefully as he dipped into the murky waters and swam away.

And the game began. At first, the RED team wasn't too keen on battling the creature, but soon it became apparent that they had no choice, given the fact that the creature made himself known to them. As his team mates fell one by one (and subsequently replaced), the Sniper was devising a plan to eliminate the Tentaspy once and for all. He wasn't the best in close combat, but damnit, he had to try!


	4. A Fight to the Death

_And as in uffish thought he stood,_

_The Tentaspy, with eyes of flame,_

_Came whiffling through the sewage pipe, _

_And burbled as it came!_

The Sniper was deep in thought when the Tentaspy popped its head out of the water. "Boo!" he said, causing the Sniper to jump.

"Awww, that's no way to greet your friend." He said, apparently having his feelings hurt by the Sniper's reaction toward him.

"I never said we were friends." The Sniper retorted.

"It doesn't matter now. Are you ready?" the Tentaspy asked.

"Ready as I'll ever be." The Sniper said, placing his hand on the kukri's hilt. The Tentaspy noticed the Australian's knife and beamed.

"Good choice! All the others before you had such useless weapons. No class at all!"

"Just shut up and fight me!" the Sniper snapped at the creature.

"That's the spirit!" he shouted with glee. Then the Tentaspy's mood shifted and it became violent.

He leaped out of the water and landed on the walkway. The Sniper jumped out of the way, unsheathing his kukri. The Tentaspy, now on its tentacles, extended his claws and bared his razor sharp teeth at the Aussie. His eyes widened, the creature let out a fierce growl and lunged forward.

_One, two!_

_One, two! and through and through_

_The vorpal kukri went snicker-snack!_

The Sniper raised his weapon and slashed out at the Tentaspy. He managed to cut into the creature's tentacles, leaving deep gashes. The Tentaspy winced, but chuckled maliciously as he collected himself.

"You're good." He purred and grabbed the Australian's leg. He dragged him a little before picking him up and slamming the tall, lanky man down onto the ground. The Sniper let out a grunt in pain and rolled on his side.

"Shit…" he muttered, clutching his stomach.

"This is too easy!" the Tentaspy cried with delight. "I'm kinda disappointed in you, Sniper."

The Sniper didn't bother to respond. He noticed that his kukri had been flung across the room. Quickly devising a plan, he slowly lifted himself up, ready to battle the Tentaspy once more.

"You want more?! OK then." The Tentaspy said and ejected himself toward the man.

The Sniper ducked and rolled toward his kukri, quickly grasping it. The Tentaspy shipped itself around and sprung forward toward the Sniper once more. With a brutal scream, the Sniper raised his weapon and stuck the blade into the Tentaspy's neck. He hit the jugular vein, causing it to open and blood rushed out in a thick stream. The Tentaspy choked on its own blood and collapsed to the ground. The Sniper slipped out of the way before he was to be crushed by the beast.

_He left it dead, and with it's head_

_He went galumphing back._

The Sniper eyed the Tentaspy. Its body twitched for a bit and then stopped moving. A stream of blood had started to form and drip into the sewage water. The Sniper leaned against the wall, exhausted and in pain. He either bruised or broke several of his ribs since his right side was killing him. He huffed and puffed, still eyeing the creature. It might still be alive. Slowly, he made his way toward the body. He nudged the Tentaspy with his kukri. The body didn't move, letting the Sniper know that the beast was good and dead. He pulled back the Tentaspy's collar, exposing his neck. With several good chops, he managed to sever the head off the body. With the Tentaspy's head as proof of his kill, the Sniper started back to his base, all while having a heavy and clumsy tread due to his injuries.


	5. Victory! And Hats

When he arrived back at the base, the Sniper rammed the door open with his good shoulder and surprised the rest of his team mates. They were in shock by how rough and disheveled his appearance was.

"_And hast thou slain the Tentaspy?_" the Soldier asked the weary Sniper.

The Sniper nodded and tossed the Tentaspy's head onto the table. Everyone gasped.

"I don't believe it!" the doubtful RED Spy exclaimed, now having been proven wrong.

"_Come into my arms, my beamish boy!_" The Solider hugged (yes, hugged) the Sniper, who didn't know what to make of the normally tough-as-nails American being so open all of a sudden.

"_O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!_" the Sniper's team mates cried in joy. The Sniper still had no clue what was going on. Never less, he was quite pleased that he had accomplished his goal and quietly relished his team mates' praise.

'_Twas brilling, and the slithy toves_

_Did gyre and gimble in the wabe,_

_All mimsy were the borogroves,_

_And all the mome raths outgrabe._

…..

The Engineer closed the book and looked up at Pyro.

"So, did you enjoy the story?"

The Pyro nodded yes.

"I'm glad." The Engineer noticed that the little fire starter yawned and started to look sleepy (if he could actually tell).

"Well, it looks like you're ready ta hit the hay. So I'll take my leave. Sleep tight."

"Mmphky" Pyro mumbled and settled into bed.

The Engineer quietly closed the door and made his way back to the rec room. However, once he arrived, the Engineer was greeted to a rather strange scene: His team mates, decked out in various hats, where all having tea and a variety of different pastries. The Scout wore a milkman's cap, the Solider wore a rather familiar red and white stripped top hat and the Demoman wore a bright red capotain. Meanwhile, the Heavy had a military peaked cap on his head while the Sniper had on a cowboy hat. The Spy still looked high class with his trilby, since for him to act foolish was not in his nature. The Medic, who had on a top hat similar to the Mad Hatter, looked up from his teacup and smiled.

"Engineer! How was ze Pyro doing?"

"Good." The Engineer was confused and the German took notice.

"Oh, don't worry. There iz plenty of tea to go around. Be sure to grab your hat off ze hat stand and sit!" he said, motioning to the Texan to sit at the table and join the group's party.

The Engineer just sighed. _If you can't beat'em, join'em._ He said to himself. He grabbed his ten gallon hat and took a seat at the table.

"_But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked._

_"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."_

_"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice._

_"You must be," said the Cat, or you wouldn't have come here."_

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

The End


End file.
